Dear Mom

May 10, 2020

 

 

 

The last time I wrote this letter it was a lot different. I actually titled it... "Mother's Day?... maybe next year". Boy have we grown from that letter haven't we? 

 

I'd like to let you know the purpose of this letter before I go any further. This letter is the public acknowledgement that you deserve as my MOTHER. When I wrote the first series of angry letters I was not the healed version of myself that I am today. I hadn't done all of the self healing that I made the conscious choice to do after spending 2 years not speaking to you. If we are being honest, I have spent my entire life not speaking to you and I guess that's why today is extra special for me. It's as if my entire life has done a 360 in the best way because I literally can say anything to you and you just ... take it. It's honestly still something I'm getting used to after years of getting slapped for even uttering a comeback. 

 

I went through a super rough period in time where I honestly and truly believed that you did not love me. I told myself that you only loved me when I was being the Imani that made you feel comfortable, that your love was indeed... conditional, and that you could really care less whether or not I was alive or dead. Me being Imani, I took a shot at enacting a change within our relationship by introducing the REAL feelings I've held in from 7 years old. What I didn't realize was that I was doing it in the completely wrong way. I took therapy WAY too seriously and began setting up boundaries and spewing my "truth" all over the place all while publicly embarrassing you for a reason I would later realize was never actually valid. 

 

After teaching myself to self sooth and parent my inner child, I realize that you only were able to love me as much as you were loved as a child. To respect the privacy of others, I will not go into detail about how hard your upbringing was, however, we both have been able to acknowledge that the generational curse of dysfunctional mother daughter dynamics ends with us. We have gone through every scenario. You kicking me out of the house, me screaming I hate you, emotional abuse, physical abuse, the list goes on. Still, my God sent ability to operate in LOVE at all times shows me the light in all of the darkness that I once found myself lost in. 

 

The beatings, the inability to communicate, and the horrible words one can never take back was all worth it mom. We were supposed to go through all of that. I know these words might be a little hard to read but even though you replayed your childhood with me during some of our darkest moments... those moments needed to happen. You birthed a warrior, the chosen one, and the woman who is going to teach mothers and daughters to HEAL. I needed to feel what you felt as a little girl so that I can save the next little girl.

 

The day you finally admitted to all of the things that you did to me WITHOUT me having to yell about it I spent the rest of the day crying tears of joy. I hadn't realized how much you simply acknowledging my hurt would set me free of all of the pain I was carrying. Sure, my daddy issues sting, the boyfriend scenarios left some scars, but I CAME FROM YOU. You are the biggest part of me besides myself as selfish as that might possibly sound. 

 

I'm so sorry for blaming you for things that were completely out of your control. I cry a lot when I think about how mean I was to you. You literally didn't understand how to love unconditionally because unfortunately.. you never were by the one who made you. Again, we will respect the privacy of others but your childhood was one that even the toughest person would break down speaking out loud. Great.... now I'm crying. 

 

I'll just end this blurb with a big HUGE thank you for being my mother. Thank you for beating my ass when I deserved it (MOST TIMES WHEN I DIDN'T hahahaha),  and making me into the savage that I am today. Thank you for healing alongside myself and helping me to fulfill the mission Most High has placed me on. Again, you birthed a legend and for that.. I owe you the world. 

 

Happy Mothers Day Sistren, 

 

Mani 

 

 

 

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