Charlotte, NC, USA

A LETTER TO MY LOVE

November 1, 2019

Dear Love,

    [Excerpt from  | She Died to Live | 2020

 

It gets dark here too often without you. I’ve done everything possible to try to find you. I found you a few times but you slipped from my grips because I manifested you in the wrong form. I feel so lost without you. Where are you? That’s quite a silly question when I think about it, I know exactly where you are. You’ve been with me this whole time yet I ignored you while tending to the pain I just cannot live with. Even though I know that real love is already within me, I can’t kiss my own lips, create the next generation, or have cosmic orgasms with myself, I need to meet you in the flesh. I guess that’s why I yearn for you.

My ancestors told me that this time around I will have to earn the opportunity to meet you in the flesh. I am not allowed to be weak anymore because there is a higher calling on my life and I cannot operate through trauma at the next level. I’ll have to be strong enough to wipe my own tears, heal these wounds, and I cannot let anyone in until I have learned myself. It is so easy to just let someone come in and distract me from the fact that I will be codependent on any man that comes my way until I fully re parent my inner child and heal from all of the trauma I covered up with the false love discovered through failed relationship after failed relationship.  With each heartbreak I lost another part of myself and now there is nothing left to love right now. In order to meet you in the flesh, I have to nurse myself back to health and be my own distraction so that you can love me.

I have not given up on you. I have dedicated my life to finding you because I lived too long without you. You are me and I am you, that’s why the journey back to you won’t be any easy one. You are my love because you mirror me and that is how I know you are worth waiting for. A love that mirrors the love I have for myself will withstand all tests and time. This is what I tell myself on those nights that I’m crying at my alter asking most high why I cannot meet you yet. On those nights I cling to myself I’ll envision myself wrapping my legs around your waist as you penetrate me and plant our contribution to mother earth inside of me. I love you, I’ll earn you and I’ll see you soon.

 

Your Whole

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