Charlotte, NC, USA

Passage from She Died to Live | 2020.

September 30, 2019

THE VOICE 

 

 

Before I made the decision that I didn't want to live anymore there was a voice that spoke to me every single day up until my baptism. The voice was quiet most days but when everything was happening at one time, the voice got louder. The voice said to me …

 

 

She didn’t text you back because you’re not cool enough. She didn’t follow you back because you don’t have enough followers and you don’t get enough likes. Okay, you got excited because she acted like she wanted to be friends but get real. Nobody ever actually would want to be your friend. You’re way too hard to be around for too long. Nobody ever sticks around long enough because you curse way too much and you always have something to say. You think you’re dope and cool but you’re really a lame just seeking attention because the ones you want it from won’t give it to you. Don’t let the ones in your life fool you, they don’t really love you. You’re just kind of cute and you can dress so you’re worthy sometimes. Those times are only when they feel like throwing you a bone or they aren’t too busy with their own lives. You know you’re not worthy of being anyone’s first priority. This is the reality of your life so stop trying to tell yourself anything different. Why do you think you can’t keep a man? You think a man really wants to wake up to your ugly ass when your bonnet falls off? Would you want to wake up to those nonexistent eyebrows? He might stay for your sex because it’s good but what happens when you don’t give him sex? What happens when you challenge him? You know exactly what happens. He’s gone. He’s out the door because he was only there for your body. He never cared enough to get to know you and you better be lucky because if he did he would be disgusted with who you are. All of your exes got a glimpse of who you are and they left you high and dry. Each of them. Don’t act like you did that on your own. You know they left and you just had to learn to deal with it. Why did you even think they were going to stay? You’re so insecure, you’re so emotional, and you’re so damaged from your childhood and every other failed love that you’re not even loveable. That’s why you don’t even have a female best friend. Not even another woman can love you. Your own Mother doesn’t love you if you don’t act right. Your grandmother even told you that you could go ahead and kill yourself. Your whole family is sick of you. You have two dads but you can’t call either one of them to tell them about the boy who slapped your body across the room like a rag doll. Your roommate was in the next room when it happened and didn’t even cater to your cries. You’re doomed girl. If you want any chance of the life you dream of you’re going to have to just live that life the next go round. This life here however, is not worthy of living. Cut the right spot this time and get it over with. Nobody is going to miss you anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

-SHE DIED TO LIVE 

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