I’m just here with a little motivation to just trust the process. I know things seem super unbearable right now but trust me, if you’d just give this thing to God, you’ll be more at peace. Don’t believe me? Let me tell you how I’ve been since losing who I thought was the love of my life and how I snatched my power back. In my opinion, you go through a few stages before you can finally breathe again if you’re a drama queen like myself.
Stage 1 : THE HEARTBREAK
Heartbreak is like the absolute worst thing to deal with in my opinion because it’s like not only are you dealing with all of the time wasted on someone you saw your life with, but you also KEEP replaying the good times that make the fact that it’s all over that much harder to take in. Because I am overcoming heavy depression when I don’t understand my circumstance and anxiety, break ups seem like the end of the world and I literally cannot eat or sleep for the first few weeks.
When I tell ya’ll I was screaming out in pain every single day for a month straight, I am not over exaggerating. The rejection from the man I loved was just too much to deal with in the beginning. I couldn’t believe he wasn’t going to fight for us unless I started the fight. I couldn’t believe he made an entire public post calling me “crazy” even though he cried with me those nights I wanted to end my life. I just couldn’t believe how much he changed before my eyes.
For a month straight I’d find any reason to talk to him and I even found myself leaving work just to pull up on him. Let’s not talk about the emotional sex that was involved, filled with “I love you “ from him while inside of me. That’s enough to screw even the strongest of strong up in the head. Week in and week out I’d go back and forth with him about how we couldn’t be together unless he committed to really seeing me for who I am. After finally coming to terms that life with him was over, I fell on my knees and gave this whole shebang to God.
Step 2: FUCK THAT NIGGA
If you’ve been following me for the last 2 years you’d probably think our relationship was goals and it wasn’t until I started my self-healing journey, therapy, and learned to start loving myself is when I realized that with this man I was settling in every way. For example, our whole relationship I wanted ONE thing and received everything but what I wanted for the 2 years we were together. One day, I opened my mouth to speak on it and in his eyes, became the most ungrateful woman and from then, I became unworthy of his love. For the longest I thought, “wow Imani, you lost a good man because you can’t be satisfied”, until I realized, no …. “ he can’t satisfy you and that’s why he’s pulling away”.
Not to brag but I’m a college graduate with a pretty good career and my own business as well. I’m committed to generational wealth and he however just was not. He hadn’t finished college, didn’t really have any goals, and was quite complacent with just working for others and being a slave his whole life. I peeped that within him from the beginning , but I thought I could inspire him to be better. NOPE ! Each time I bought up living a better life, he had nothing to really say. I understand now that he knew he was going to get left if he didn’t level up so he let me walk away and acted okay with it to avoid getting hurt. This is why during our relapse sex moments, he’d look me deep in the eyes like he wanted to say more and would start to until I challenged his words like the aligned black woman that I am.
This is why he left pictures of us throughout my apartment so that I could remember the good times. This is why anytime I said I wanted him back he was READY but when I’d change my mind he didn’t do much to try to change it. I got to a point where I realized that our amazing sex was not intimacy. Intimacy is being able to show someone your truth and having them stay. When he saw who I was, he ran he other way. This is why he lost the woman he needed and it won’t hit him until he goes through one woman he doesn’t and finally humbles himself enough to really move like GOD. So as much love as I had and have for the kid, from here on out, it’ s “fuck that nigga” and that’s just for my own peace. Of course I don't really mean that in a mean way but to protect myself from anymore moments of relapse, it just has to be FUCK THAT NIGGA. I tried to be friends with him but because he can’t fully handle a friendship with me knowing I’m good with being over, he acts like an asshole and I’m too precious to be treated poorly. The kid lacks emotional intelligence and it’s not my job to teach it.
STEP 3: SNATCH THAT POWER BACK
Once it all made sense to me the pain in my heart began to become numb. I went on a few dates to remind me of who I am, threw it back for a real one, and I slowly stopped checking his twitter. He still watches my page and that’s just fine, no need to block him. I actually want him to see what he will miss out on because I’m nowhere near the MASTER OF PEACE that I am. Therapy helped me to understand that my whole relationship with that man was just a band aid covering my trauma wounds so now I’ve committed my entire life to healing them (so no more throwing it back for fake real niggas) and teaching others how to do the same. I went from leaving my desk at work to cry on the rooftop to waking up every day, putting my crown on, and walking in the MY POWER. I am so amazing and I don’t need anyone’s son to validate that for me.
I hope that my little blurb gives you the strength to let him go, give this to God, and snatch your power back. You HAVE TO sis, living as you are right now is NOT healthy. If you need me you know I’m right here.
Sending Love & Light,