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Suicidal Thoughts..

I know I know, this is probably something I should be writing in a diary but those aren't very useful for me since my writing is what helps other women and helping other women is all that saves me when I get here. The ancestors told me the last time I tried this bullshit that if I died, the rest of the women looking to me to keep going will die too. I'm the light, I'm the proof that it's OKAY. So I kinda sorta have to write this because it's kinda sorta saving multiple lives right now.

I'm having a terribly shitty day mentally, and I actually went to the kitchen to get it. Get what?

The knife...


Yep here we go again, Imani and her crazy ass with her crazy ass attention seeking (this is actually very true, I'm seeking the attention of another woman having these same exact thoughts) . I mean.... I'm not gonna do it. Or am I? Shit why not? Nobody that should care right now actually does (SoulSistas, don't take offense, I know you care, but there's nothing like being able to call your mama crying).

My mom has me blocked, my Dad probably told her to do it, and my other dad well, the only time he can text me back is if I'm talking to him about a woman who might be interested in me. Shit, I have a whole brother I could call but the nigga got me blocked too. I mean the person who kinda triggered this said he called the police but they didn't come. My dumb ass decided to hit someone I thought could be there up to come make sure I didn't go forth since the suicide prevention hotline just seems like a joke to me. Like how the hell is someone on the other end of the phone I don't know supposed to tell me it's going to be okay when they don't even really understand what makes me not okay? Calling someone over was the worst idea though or atleast not fully thinking about who I called was. This nigga actually came over here and said out loud that I was crazy... wtf? GET THE FUCK OUT ! No seriously... get the fuck out before I do something stupid to both of us..SLAMS DOOR.

Damn Imani... did you even listen to anything that was said in your session today? You're doing bad bad right now.

I made a post about suicide prevention and asked everyone to send me a yellow heart if they were there for me but I also keep crying out for help randomly and nobody really sees it cuz not a soul even said "are you good" when I asked for prayers and actually SAID I WANT TO HURT MYSELF. Ya'll have got to stop ignoring people like me because although I'm strong, I'm only alive because the ancestors said I have to be. Some women don't have them in their life yet so they are lost lost and they don't have the ability to do what I'm doing which is writing myself through these thoughts because I'm LITERALLY alone right now and prefer it that way.

I think I get ignored because people know I'll be okay and deep down, I know it to. Ain't nobody finna kill themselves. How the heck can I do what I'm supposed to do? I have to make sure that another woman feeling these feelings and having these thoughts knows she's normal... not crazy, PERFECTLY FUCKING NORMAL to have been through 20 plus years of straight TRAUMA. Lawwwwdd... thank you ancestors.. You told me to go write and now I'm back until the next relapse.

I can't wait to be better. I can't wait to not even get here on bad days. Until then, i'll call a better candidate over next time and sit my ass down somewhere and talk to God. See what I did there? I was there for myself. I didn't do it. I won't do it. These are just .... suicidal thoughts.

Sending Love & Light,

Imani Blaize


Charlotte, NC, USA