Before you read the following, know that I am no longer in this space but I want other women to know that it is possible to pull yourself out of this state, never feel like you have to stay or even get here. Anxiety has the power to put you into such a depressive state, that you really just lose all will to live, however that is NOT where I want to see any of you, which is why I share my journey to healing.
I sent this book text to my boyfriend at 2:00 in the morning ...
I’m tired of being strong and I’m tired of trying.
I lost another job yet again and I’m back to feeling like I’m drowning. Back to no options. Back to feeling alone. Back to worrying day to day whether or not I’ll be on the street.
I’m trying to keep my faith but times like this cause me to fall back into my mindset that “life is just too hard”. And honestly, life really is too hard for me right now. I’m drowning in finances, have nobody to help me that I feel comfortable telling how much of a fuck up I’ve turned into. Nobody in my family to talk to that I trust. I’ve got all these people around me yet here I am. Alone. Writing another suicidal letter.
What’s really my purpose besides being heard ? I know it’s to spread knowledge and change the world but I’ve realized that nobody hears you until you’re dead. That’s when you become interesting. That’s when your voice becomes the loudest.
So here’s my message to you if you’re reading this.
Listen to your friend who tells you she’s depressed. Listen to your sister who tells you she’s going to overdose again. Listen to your girlfriend telling you she’s tired of being positive. Listen to that follower who’s up and down with emotions. Listen to those people you think are “crazy”.
They aren’t crazy. I’m not crazy. I’m just tired.
So I’m gonna push a little more and if things don’t work out the way they should, I’m done.
Call me weak, take away my “strong” card. I don’t really care. Life isn’t supposed to be this hard. I know there are people out there with way worse problems but in this moment, losing a job out of nowhere with no way in site on how you’ll be able to pay your rent the following month is a very real and big problem for me.
I’ll fight. I really will. But I’m getting tired so if this fight doesn’t get me some life altering results QUICK, I’m just going to fulfill my purpose on this earth by making sure that someone else reads this letter.
Depression and anxiety is real and it will bring you to the thoughts I’m having right now when you lack the ability to control it. Maybe the issue is still too fresh and I need to talk to myself some more but myself is telling me to make sure that if I’m gonna let this physical life take the best of me, I might as well leave the best part of me here. Which is my ability to be raw with my feelings and what I think is important.
People are in mental hell every single day and those people are usually the ones trying to be the person they need to other people. If you’re reading this I wasn’t able to stay strong. But I want you to. I want you to keep pushing. I want you to put black people and our struggle to exist amongst a system built to destroy us at the forefront of your motives for everything that you do. I want you to heal from all of the things that hurt you so that you don’t end up like me. Writing your last few words for the world to read.
People don’t hear you until they don’t hear you anymore. If you’re reading this. I hope you hear me now. }
The insensitive reader will have read that ( if you read all of that) and say , "wow, what a drama queen!". But anyone who has felt all or even some of what I wrote in that text should be able to feel me when I say that even though my google search attempts did not work, in that moment, I really did want to die.
I've been in this kind of space on more than one occasion and each time I am reminded that God has a bigger plan for me and that is why I allowed my boyfriend to talk me out of my anxiety driven, stupid decision again. I took 3 days to sit in the dark while it was light outside, sulk, and cry but on the 4th day I balanced my chakras and I got my mind right and vowed to continue to turn my pain and struggles into my purpose, which is to encourage you, the reader, to keep going no matter how hard it gets. As I type this, I am preparing to get back into the kitchen and fulfill a few more orders. Since losing my job, I put all of my focus into my business and boy has it shown ! The money I was worried about making to pay my bills was made through my business and I have been reminded once again that everything happens FOR me, not TO me.
The same goes for you, so if you've ever felt the way I felt when I sent that text message or maybe feel that way now, know that you will get through this storm. It will be much easier to weather this storm if you choose to shift your mindset to that of positive one. One that believes you have the tools to manifest exactly what you need to fix your situation.
Don't believe me? Just keep watching me. I'm an open book for a reason and that's because Black women need to see a women rise each time she falls. Black women need to see a women fall, get banged up in the process, get back up, and clean her wounds. Crying doesn't make you weak. Being in a vulnerable place does not make you weak. These things actually make you stronger because when you take the time to release the pain, you make room for what your soul really needs on the inside.
Am I super happy right now? Kinda, not really. But I wake up every single day knowing that God (universe) and my ancestors are walking with me in the right direction and everything happening to me is shaping me into the woman that I am supposed to be.
Sending Love & Light,