Solitude - the state or situation of being alone.
Life has a way of forcing you into the solitude that you need to become who you are supposed to be. For the longest time I have ignored this fact and although I’m on a spiritual journey, the self-love part of it has been a rocky one for me. I know that I am an amazing person but I also know that I have some MAJOR quirks to work out within myself before I can become deserving of the full life that I want to live. After being read like a book by my inner self one self care Sunday, the thought just came to me, "it's not them, it's YOU." Battling anxiety and the depression that comes with it really doesn’t make getting along with others any easier, yet the job of repairing all of the things that I have broken still has to be done. I love others HARD but the one person that I don’t love enough is myself and that's the main reason why I've been pushing everyone and their mama away for years. I have absolutely no problem forming bonds, my issue is making them last. I’ve got three major malfunctions that inhibit my ability to have lasting relationships with others but thankfully this solitude that I’ve been forced into is helping me to become a better women in order to help other women. I get women who tell me all too often how they don’t have female friends and quite frankly, that’s NOT okay.
Imani’s Quirks (add to this list and expand on yourself if none of these are relateable).
1. I don't love myself enough.
I look for the love that I don’t give to myself from other people.
Because I love as hard as I do, I never leave enough of the love that I have to give to others for myself so I force people to reciprocate my passion and if they don't.. STEEEEEEEEEP *Pam from Martin voice*. This is why when someone that I love hurts me, I feel more betrayed than I probably even need to. Those who have hurt me have taught me a major lesson, be SELFISH with my time, thoughts, and feelings. I've always had a hard time being selfish because I've always had a hard time loving myself but that stopped, which is why I am now in solitude land. I’ve stopped forcing relationships that just were not there anymore and I started being selfish with my time.
2. I have no filter.
Yes I’m real, but I’m also REAL RUDE. It’s been hard for me to admit this because of the fact that I feel like the truth should always be told. I still feel this way but I also realize now that there’s a way to say the truth without making people feel low. I may have a hard time loving my flaws but I also know that I have a reason to act as self-righteous as I do which is why when I speak to someone who isn’t thinking the way that I do, I belittle them because in my brain, this person is below me. My journey to peace, love, transparency, and tenderness has been teaching me that NOBODY is below me and to be more aware of how I am making people FEEL when I’m telling them the truth. I feel that I owe you the truth at all times, but I don’t owe you a beating of your ego at the same time.
3. I ignore warning signs.
This issue has always been with the men I choose, but I’ve learned that I find the same issue with the women I choose to deal with as well. I’m learning myself but I know who I am at the same time and one thing I am not is superficial. I don’t care about how many inches I’m rocking, how poppin ming lee got my nails, or how many designer items I can acquire anymore. That’s just not me and I realize now that I cannot and will never mesh well with women who do not see more out of life. If you cannot take into account that mental health is real and sometimes I’m just not going to be nice, I can’t waste my time with you because as soon as I don’t act like the Imani you came to love, your love gets taken away and my weak heart just can’t take it. If at the first sign of a disagreement you begin to use the word “bitch”, yeah you have to go. I am only concerned with being around women with SOUL and SUBSTANCE. I’ve found that the average female today and I just won’t get a long because I see the world a lot differently from most and my spirit doesn’t take well to ignoring the fact that I’m dealing with someone who isn’t operating on my frequency. Superficial females are a warning sign for girls like me. As soon as I spot the signs it’s time to exit this bond, stage left. I love to ignore the flaws in others because I’m so focused on who they have the potential to be but I’m learning now that it’s not my job to stick around for the growth if it stunts my own. When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM.
I know these things now, so now all I have to do is remember them each time God gives me a test. In the midst of a disagreement if I find myself about to “tell her about herself” I’m going to write it out first, read it first, and interpret it from another point of view FIRST. I’m going to enjoy this solitude that I’ve been forced into since pushing everyone away with my rude tongue and lack of tools to fight my mental health battle. I am not my depression, I am not my anxiety, I am not the mistakes that I have made in the past. I have reached out to those that I need to and apologized for my toxic behavior and I am thankful to the loved ones who have been able to forgive me. All that I can do now is move forward with dignity and pride as I continue to find myself and fight this fight of constant unhappiness. Are you feeling alone? Don’t feel like you have friends? Take a good look at yourself and your behaviors and think about whether you are deserving of people in your life right now. The universe may be telling you that it’s time to soul search so that when you go back out into the world you are able to form healthy, LASTING, relationships. This time it’s not them, it’s YOU. See you next Tuesday.
I love you,