Charlotte, NC, USA

Depression

May 2, 2018

I want to start tonight's post off by saying that if you suffer from depression at times, you are not alone. It is hard when the world tells you you're supposed to be strong but your brain tells you it's time to give up. Tonight I'm going to let you guys into my brain on the days that things are not so "positive". As you guys know by now, like a lot of people I deal with anxiety and with that anxiety comes deep depression at times. I cannot say that I am depressed all of the time but the times that I am, it is crippling. 

 

There was a time in my life where I honestly felt like being dead would be better than being alive but I never had the guts to actually kill myself, instead I went into a deep depression. Nobody knew that I was crying almost every day, forcing myself out of the bed, and throwing up every morning because my brain kept telling me there was SOMETHING to worry about. Even though I am no longer at a point in my life where I feel like ending my life is the answer, sometimes I still become severely depressed. I am lucky to have God answer my prayers to be able to cope with the constant battle in my brain. Some days I wake up and every single thing that could go wrong in my life rushes to the front of my brain. When this happens I get extremely nauseous and the only way to get rid of the feeling is to throw up. After feeling stupid for throwing NOTHING up, I begin to cry. As I am crying I begin to feel so bad about myself that I can't even look in the mirror, so I call out of work. I trick myself into thinking that I am too sick to go in and I spend the rest of the day being completely unproductive as I wallow in my own misery.

 

I don't do this every day nor do I even do it every week but the times that I feel this way are the times when I am under an extreme amount of stress. I also worry about my family all of the time because I feel that they deserve the best life there is to have, yet they don't have it. I think about my mom in so much pain everyday and when she actually calls me in tears I catapult into a depressed state. I think about my dad getting older and older,yet no where near close to retirement. I don't want him to work as hard as he does forever, and I hate knowing that he puts up with people who treat him terribly, just to provide for my mom and my brother. I think about my little brothers who I would kill anyone for and how I am the only person that's going to be able to change anything about the state of my family. I am an empath and I FEEL everything. I am extremely hard on myself and when I don't do the things I say I am going to do, I tell my brain that I am not worthy of anything, that I am a failure at life. I know these things are not true and with time, I have learned to jump right out of my depressed state when I get there. 

 

Things are not easy, LIFE is not easy, and I have learned that as long as I am alive, there will ALWAYS be some problem to solve. Does that mean I need to wake up and throw up every time I have an obstacle to face? NO. It means I need to get tougher and become more confident in myself and my ability to change my own life, and that is what I have committed to do. I still get depressed but now I have learned to focus on controlling the controllable and telling myself that there is a light in whatever darkness I feel I am surrounded with at that moment. I am a multi talented woman with so much to offer and I KNOW it. I believe that is why I get so down, I know my potential yet I am not living my life to it's fullest potential. Now that I have figured this out, I can talk myself out of or into anything. 

 

Do you feel like you're dealing with depression? If you can still genuinely laugh when you're around people, interact with others, and uphold relationships, I don't think you need pills or really even weekly therapy sessions (although trust me, they help). I believe you're scared and disappointed with yourself. If you can honestly admit this then your next step should be to write down exactly what it is you want to get accomplished and why you have not accomplished it yet. GET REAL WITH YOURSELF. I had to do this earlier in the year when I realized that I just cannot smoke weed every single day for the rest of my life and expect to live the life I dream about. I can't even write a paragraph once I hit the blunt, how am I supposed to write whole books? A major part of fighting your depression is discipline. Face your bad habits and force yourself to do the things you don't want to do. Tell yourself that you don't actually feel the way your brain is telling you that you feel. You are not a failure, in actuality if you have the ability to become depressed, it means you aware of the things you lack, meaning you know EXACTLY what you need to do to gain those things that you lack.  Not making enough money and it's making you depressed? That's your brain telling you to step out of your comfort zone and put your focus on a better job or form of income. Failing your classes and it's making you depressed? That's your brain telling you that you're allowing outside factors to get the best of you and you are not concentrating as you should in your classes. 

 

It is all going to work out and you are going to have the life that you wish to have, you'll just have to work for it. Opportunities you thought were for you are not going to end up happening and later on down the line you'll realize that this was because those opportunities were not really for you. Live YOUR specially tailored life, not the one you think others want to see you live. If your depressed state seems to last ALL DAY EVERYDAY I would suggest that you speak with someone but if you only reach a depressed state when things are going wrong, that's FEAR. If you deal with any of the things I have mentioned in tonight's post please get in contact. Although I have those days where I cannot get out of bed and I would rather sleep my life away, I have learned to rise above my depressed state and see the good in however bad the situation I am in may be. See you next Tuesday ! 

 

I love you, 

 

Imani Blaize 

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