It's me, stubborn, know it all, "spiritual gangsta", Imani. It's been awhile since I genuinely spoke to you and I have to admit, I'm ashamed. It seems like ever since I got my degree I said, "okay God, I got it from here". I replaced praying to you with meditation and I tried to create my own religion but it just didn't work. I realize I may be confused but I do know one thing, YOU ARE REAL.
I'm writing this letter because it's the easiest way for me to get my thoughts out and I know that you are listening to the words I'm writing. Ever since completing my #1 goal (graduating college) it seems like things went downhill instead of uphill and although I've stayed as positive as I could, everything you've put me through has made me an angry person deep deep deep down inside. Why did my boyfriend of almost 4 years decide to leave me with no real explanation? Why did my best friend of over 10 years decide to send me an EMAIL ending our friendship with no real explanation? Why have I lost every single person I was ever close with? What is wrong with me? Why did Bianca die so young with no real explanation? Why is my mother in so much pain and why can't she walk some days? Why did you bring my biological father into my life after 21 years and allow him to reopen my sore wounds? Why didn't I get the job I told everyone I would get after college? Why is my life not going by the playbook I wrote? You said if I prayed for it I would have it, why don't I have it?
I'm still confused as to why you've put me through all of this and to top it all off you give me clinical anxiety to deal with? Really God? Sometimes I'm literally suicidal but I love myself waaaaaaaay too much to actually act on those stupid thoughts. You've taken 'testing my faith' to a whole other level and I failed the test, HORRIBLY. When I lost my first job post graduation I felt like I couldn't get any lower and when I actually attempted to sell drugs just to survive, I knew I hit rock bottom. Fast forward to a what I thought was a carefree summer night, I'm being handcuffed and told I'm going to jail (non drug related but STILL !) As I sat in the back of that cop car my faith in you began to dwindle, I just couldn't understand how or why you would force me to have to deal with something like this. How am I supposed to successfully utilize the degree I worked hard for with a RECORD God? How?
Instead of looking at every punch life was giving me as a reason to get closer to you I pushed you farther and farther away. I told myself, "you gotta fix this on your own, this prayer stuff ain't cuttin it, plus you're too woke to be praying to some imaginary figure that the white man told you was real". I know you kept trying to get me to listen and to talk to you but I replaced you with a blunt and my alter ego, I mean the world thought I had it all together so why not fake it till I make it ? I just convinced myself that eventually things would get better with time. Eventually things did get better. I found another job after few months and I even found a new love. I also found the courage to launch my own business but things still don't seem to be moving as seamless as I want them to. I know what's missing now, YOU.
When my faith was strong I was always able to tell myself, God will make a way and each time you did. When my faith dwindled there was no one there to make a way and these problems I keep facing are getting harder and harder to fix without you, I need you. I'm writing this letter to ask you to give me another chance. Please guide my steps and my thoughts as I make my way back to you. Help me to balance my spirituality and the questions that I have about religion without EVER questioning who YOU are again. Make things clear to me, I NEED YOU. I need you to help me help the hurt souls that look up to me and think that I am perfect. I need you to take away all of my bad habits and give me the strength to be RAW with my reading audience.
People love reading deep words but they don't know the courage that it takes to write those words and allow other people to read them. My purpose in life is to heal others, help me to fulfill my life purpose. Help me to show other women dealing with the things that I have dealt with that they will be okay, that this too shall pass. Help me to forgive those who have hurt me so that I can fly, baggage free. Help me. Forgive me. Let me back in. I love you and I am sorry that I let you down AGAIN.